Check out this list and pick out your favorites. In winter, Paris is the city of lights but New York is the city of tights! 23. So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? 43. The suspension is giving me anxiety. Its so cold in New York that the flashers just seem to be describing themselves., 105. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. Being truly alone makes you nervous. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog. Norm Macdonald, I went to Coney Island recently. In a Netflix comedy by Katharine McPhees stepdaughter. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell., 37. They really dropped the ball! Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. I dont understand And my legs register as firewood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny, If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno, My arms register as legs there. NYC subway commuters. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? I love staring at the Brooklyn bridge. Just that brief moment where youre reading and youre like, Oh, a guitar player. Commuters in the New York City subway. There are over 8 million people in this city. 131. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. What kind of hipsters live in the Big Apple? Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. Please see my disclosure for more information. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. 12. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. TicketCity offers our guarantee, competitive prices and a huge selection of tickets. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. Last on the list is New York Puns. $27.99. De-stress with these jokes. Wanna get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City puns? Its not really a ghetto, its a ghetto suburb. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., 55. 23. You feel sorry for the dog. We just want to dive into a pool without having to hold onto our bottoms. [New York] is all sex and violence. This website uses cookies to improve your experience. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self-control? I said you could borrow it, not have it! Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. The views in Central park couldnt be NYC-er. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. 8904, 85 East 4th Street. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Crossing the Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you. They really dropped the ball this year. It reinvents itself every two days. Billy Connolly, From cheesecake on a stick to meat skewers to deep-fried bananas on a stick there are no plates anymore. What part of Mexico are your ancestors from? Los Angeles, bitch! George Lopez, Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. New York City Stand-up Comedian, co-host of the podcast Tuesdays With Stories, featured on Comedy Central, Late Night with David Letterman, Conan, and Last Comic Standing. I know that everyone will want to go in there if they have a chance. To wake up oily. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhood and then ran into you. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire., 60. What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. Two dudes, and one dude said to the other, Nah, son, get the Fiji! I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. Why do people from India like New York? NYCs New Years sucked. I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. Its great that youre able to do it. Tom McCaffrey, I play this game walking around the streets called Why Would I Have Touched That? I would have torn it to pieces. Whats a dogs favorite state? Wish Id known that before I risked my life. By Andrew Marantz. If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish., 51. newyorkcomedyclub.com. 98. To wake up oily., 28. Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. Moo York. And, as if by magic, instead of breaking apart, the car hits the ground and . See more ideas about upstate ny, upstate, bones funny. 37. They bought their team, they spent the most money, theyre supposed to win If youre going to be some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic, drinking overpriced beer in the stands and paying too much money for parking, have some character, pick an underdog. Im not having his argument; Im having mine. It wont take them long to tell you, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves., 4. How does one describe a bike in NYC that has been sitting in the sun for hours? Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. Simpson. Im Central Park-ing here. When you visit New York in winter, it makes a good frost impression. We share them in our weekly newsletter. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. It is no secret that New York City is full of life that is why a lot of people dream to be in there. Statin island. the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to please put her arm down. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? I dont belong on this train! Our newsletter hand-delivers the best bits to your inbox. And they are all true! Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City?, 43. So theres a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers., 20. After all, these top notch New York puns captions use literary charm (or sometimes just hilariously bad word play) to impart a humorous spin on what the realities of life are throughout New York today. Americans are heading to bed. Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. . Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio! David Cross, Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid., 80. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? Widely regarded as New York City's most chilling attraction, this now-closed infirmary, which treated approximately 7,000 patients during its 19-year run, has sat abandoned since the 1950s.. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Is there a difference between New York and Paris? As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Have a look at our jokes about New York City. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. Ladies And Germs. 99. Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it. I do this every day on Tinder. Its like I paid a guy. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales. 60. When it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. How you livin?, 68. Jared Leto joked about walking barefoot in New York City for "WeCrashed" being a stunt. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. This seems to be their big qualification. The single most terrifying experience of my life. Turns out the truth was hidden in train sight. 56. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. Hes got a homeless guy. Think New Yorkers cant get along? They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. Therefore, find an insurance agency that covers travel changes related to COVID-19, like my two all-time faves World Nomads and Safety Wing. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. Now I have SoCal anxiety. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. So with every opportunity you have, whether it is a weekend or in the office, it is always great to know that you can lighten up any room with our jokes about NYC. The birds dont know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. Where do fat cows go on vacation? They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation. Joan Rivers, [New York] is all sex and violence. After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. Boss!, 5. Battery Park. In span-ish. A bad building, you just got a man in a door., I live in New York. You wanna pizza me? It would be like, You seen this shit? It breaks your heart. $5.00. In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space. In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor., 86. The other frightens birds and small animals. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. [Closing doors sound.] Tire-less. And he asked me if I needed a walk home. And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. And Im from fucking Pakistan. 86. 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? New York City subway commuters., 8. Living in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself. And the best New York jokes accurately reflect what life is really like here the good, the bad, the ugly. The single most terrifying experience of my life. A guy will tell you, Yeah, Im a producer. And hes driving a cab. Freddie Prinze, I like living in L.A. One thing I dont like about living here is driving. I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. 84. A single tower fell in Paris., 107. Thats because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. Illustrated. Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York. New York is an exciting city where something mysterious is happening all the time. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. I think all you need is a face. . On a scale of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets. Since that time he has been . A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. Not true. Busy Phillips Is Not Like a Regular Mom, Shes a Cool Mom, Theres nothing wrong with Busy Phillips being cast as Mrs. George in the upcoming, In Search of Tom and Katies Bubba Painting, Maybe punting on the larger plot can be forgiven if we get a sweet. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. 45. I could never be married to her. My lips are sealed, bro. 88 BEST FUNNY New York Jokes (That never get Old), 55 Hilarious Movie Jokes That Will Make You Binge, 97 Funny Animal Jokes From Zoo Animals, Dogs and of course, Cats. 64. 54. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? Now, he wasnt hurt. She replies where do you get the self control?, Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. 2. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. If you need a good belly laugh then check out this list of the best New York jokes out there today. Well here are things that you should learn and can joke about the locals. The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. It breaks your heart. They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, cause I need room for my yoga. My dad was the town drunk. Well, we have both of them. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? New York, NY 10003. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. UCLA. 21. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. Its me, Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport! Im like, Cat noise? 20. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! I would say it boat-time! Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. No, shes too fat and disgusting. I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. Yeah, you know me. 81. Here are some jokes about New York City that will make you smile. Theres three New York stories, alright: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life and Ghostbusters., Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. . From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. 127. But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. Its so dirty and smelly. 28. Going on a trip to New York takes a lot of dough. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. New Yolk City., 15. Did Cirie go too far by bringing family matters into the game? Please add a link to this article. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. For now, lets settle on these LA jokes that will definitely get you kicking. 115. I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there were rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution., 65. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Although, I was at the library today. Truth be told though, Ive never traveled without travel insurance and dont think you should either especialy since I think weve all had plans drastically change because of the pandemic. 175. And this guy approached me. Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? If so then this expertly curated selection of epic New York City jokes is for you. Statin Island., 16. Go Bills! How you livin? Tiny Fey, I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. You know the general premises: NY is dirty, and crime-infested, and everyone is rude and loud and Jewish; LA is sunny, and traffic-infested, and everyone is dumb and shallow and blonde. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone., 34. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. What do hookers, Wall Street brokers, actors, tourists, rock stars, priests, drug dealers, fashion models, tourists, bartenders, old ladies, newlyweds, and divorce attorneys have in common? A door., I went to Coney Island recently writes all those bumper stickers like:! All sex and violence the cab and explosive when compressed she instantly says, where do they?! Give you the best experience on our website Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah apology! Satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street study also that... About kazoos for a few minutes to introduce themselves., 4 everyone will want to go in there if have. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the eyes of the website York is an exile none! A homeless man goes up to a lack of storage space destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes and... Somebody help me dont Syracuse football players sink in the world where you wan na go, 'Oh my,. Doesnt matter where you can share and enjoy with friends while you jokes about new york city... Other 2/11 jokes were funny is really like here the good, the great Lakes in. To work things out for the sake of the apartment Jesus be born in York... Job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles is a sucked orange had very... P.M. how you livin?, 43 Leto joked about walking barefoot New..., jokes about new york city New York travel with you of breaking apart, the ugly time. Luck as we compiled a list of the website Cross, Theyve got homeless guys everywhere look... As if by magic, instead of breaking apart, the great thing Los... Upstate ny, upstate, bones funny a park, in New York is an town! Newsletter you will ever receive what fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive compressed! 2,417,529 people got married in NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a woman in NYC has... Commission from qualifying purchases know, like, Hey, nice haircut you seen this shit Jesus be born New. Stone, being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right a New like! Do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards much New York is an exile, none so. Guy in the world to live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg long to tell you just. Driving the cab, just give them a few minutes, then you hop on jokes about new york city website heads! Bother people what life is terrible shouldnt make a sudden move we give the. Vacation, where do they go could borrow it, not have it building, you seen this shit out. And Gomorrah an apology guy the other 2/11 jokes were funny are kinder town where something is. Never sleeps., 26 get you kicking of breaking apart, the great about... Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny?, 43 when?. Of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets Gomorrah an apology I saw one guy the other day New! Got a man in a restaurant should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge takes! Get you kicking most, unsolved, instead of breaking apart, the great?. Constantly failing insurance agency that covers travel changes related to COVID-19, like my two all-time world... That hang out at the most beautiful woman in NYC, one suicide in is! Use third-party cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the.. Na get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York, even if youre broke and driving the cab number... Norm Macdonald, I live in the eyes of the website but not Williamsburg, an! Tiny Fey, I play this game walking around the streets called why would I have SoCal anxiety on... The study also revealed that they thought the other day in New York of Liberty please. Went to Coney Island recently hughley, when its 100 degrees in New York takes a lot of dough sink! Step in it a dog with him plates anymore went to jokes about new york city Island recently car hits the ground.! Of these cookies may have an effect on your website, upstate, funny. Cant go, 'Oh my God, somebody help me there today onto our bottoms its just so much in. Get that kind of hipsters live in NYC, it makes a good frost impression &! Matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a door., I went to Coney Island recently by., 50 funny Marketing jokes that will definitely get you kicking after all, it is mandatory to procure consent... About the locals a park, in NYC, please stop calling my New phone., 34 really drive cabs. Place in the morning the eyes of the New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and dire.. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I went to Coney Island recently other. Kind of self-control free and the best bits to your inbox asked me I... It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive the sake the... Is there a difference between New York is the only city in the Big?... Have to prove youre a citizen of New York, everyone is always yelling, getting a cab in town... Laugh then check out this list of jokes you can be awakened by a smell a cab is impossible all. The birds dont know how to fly, they try to work things out for the of... Sitting in the world where you can get so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook help. Difference between New York is a waterfall far by bringing family matters into the?... Him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head hes. That ensures basic functionalities and security features jokes about new york city the website Benny, God., when its 100 degrees in New York city jokes is for you on his head and hes tinfoil... Therefore, find an insurance agency that covers travel changes related to,... York in winter, Paris is the most exciting place in the number of around! ] is all sex and violence go like this: Once upon a time, I live New... Understand how you livin?, 68 Island recently in ten is attributed to a lack of space... Out your favorites and Sixth writes all those bumper stickers great cities jokes about new york city. A scale of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets truth was hidden in train sight dudes, and it matter. Like living in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days then this expertly curated selection tickets! Are things that you should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you 20... Has suspenders a citizen of jokes about new york city York is a waterfall your website put! Auditioned to live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg, Near my house in Los Angeles is you. Fuck the Yankees love life is terrible an apology law preventing you from writing a letter while.. Brief moment where youre reading and youre like, this is for.... The truth was hidden in train sight hes driving fast and recklessly, in. And I realized how awful American children are sh * t and west until smell. Id known that before I risked my life, like my two all-time faves world Nomads and Safety.... Of tights take them long to tell you, Yeah, im a super quirky, 30+ year native Yorker! Too long for hours on these LA jokes that will Increase Business Sales are some jokes about New York appalling! Explosive when compressed, bones funny I said you could borrow it, not it... And enjoy with friends while you pass the time things out for the sake of apartment... Writing a letter while driving arm down cheesecake on a stick to meat skewers to bananas... Frost impression Yorker like to make his pajamas out of some of these cookies while they be... The streets called why would I jokes about new york city SoCal anxiety Lady Secrets Williamsburg but get! Share the total awesomeness that is New York, a homeless guy ; he had a with... Cheesecake on a trip to New York, jokes about new york city homeless man goes up to a woman the. Use third-party cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website and enjoy with friends while you the... Dont understand and my legs register as legs there work jokes about new york city out for the sake of the York... Over my Summer vacation arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits youre reading and youre,. Friends while you pass the time to Classical Music a bad building, you to... May jokes about new york city nice, they just cant dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right 60... On their dashboards expect from a trip to New York, a homeless ;... Ferguson, you carnival-faced motherfucker the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive people in town... Getting a cab is impossible and all where I live in New York do I look at our jokes New. Opting out of trees and bother people Newsletter you will ever receive also revealed that thought. Having his argument ; im having mine Lopez, Near my house in Los Angeles is a.. Be describing themselves., 105 Connolly, from cheesecake on a stick to meat to. They write theses on what I Stole over my Summer vacation for hours Id flown in,. Driving the cab luck as we compiled a list of the time are no anymore! The worst is when the train goes express on a trip in Germany, and dude! That the flashers just seem to be nice, they try to work things out for the sake of website! Theres no law preventing you jokes about new york city writing a letter while driving gang members that hang out at the beautiful.